FOUR HORSEMEN

My past marriage was definitely in negative override.  So much that I was flooded. I stayed in defensive mode for the longest out of reactions to his criticism and contempt he aimed at me. There were times I thought I was married to the devil himself, and other times I felt as though the devil had possession over me. Eventually, I learned how to stonewall to survive and block those feelings out.  By doing this, I learned how to block Satan out of my head.  I know it wasn’t good for my marriage, but I knew it was over anyways.  It was just a matter of getting brave enough to actually make the step forward and leave.

I feel that Gottman research about strong marriages concentrates on having a strong friendship as a defining characteristic within a couple because if you are friends first you will have more respect for one another.  After all, when you are getting to know someone, the main thing you observe is how he or she treats others, whether it is the waiter, a parent, or a friend.  If he treats them with respect then he will treat you with respect in the marriage, or she.  But if you leave out the friendship out of the relationship then he or she will not hold the same respect for you as he/she does for the friend.  If you see each other as friends you are more likely to be mindful of what you say and care about how you treat your partner.   For example, my ex-husband didn’t hold much respect for his friends, this should have warned me that he would not hold much respect for me.  Even though this should have been a red flag, I passed it off as two guys horsing around with each other.  I seen my dad horsing around many times with his buddies, so I thought that this was normal.  I should have remembered that my dad also didn’t hold much respect for my mother growing up.  He used a lot of criticism and contempt towards my mother and vice versa.  My mother can be very nagging not only to my dad but to me and my sister as well as my girls.  There are times I have to remind her that nagging does not and is not going to change the outcome of what she wants or doesn’t want to happen.  For example, my dad smokes cigarettes.  She thinks if she constantly nags at him to quit that he will stop.  She also thinks that him running up the fuel card to $400 that gives her the right to nag.  I am not saying she shouldn’t be upset or that she shouldn’t discuss it with him.  But I know my mother, she didn’t just discuss it with him, she nagged and belittled him about it, and in turn he criticized her and held her in contempt.  It is a viscous circle between the two.

As you can see my example of a relationship growing up wasn’t the best.  I know they did their best with what they knew, but it wasn’t exactly the correct way to handle issues.  In Goddard’s book, it sets the scene where we should place Heavenly Father in the forefront of our relationships and our lives.  I am learning how to do this already and thankful for the opportunity to learn even how to place God first in my life even more so.  It is a daily thing I have to work on.  Also helps you learn how to put others’ needs ahead of your own.

As we keep Heavenly Father first in our lives we keep in mind that in Mosiah 3:19 it mentions, “For the natural man is an enemy of God, and has been since the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticing s of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble , patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” Specifically, how does one overcome the natural man?  We overcome the natural man by humbling ourselves to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit.  To be “full of love” by loving one another, “to submit to all things which the Lord see fit” meaning follow His commandments and keep your covenants with Him.  To be like a “child” meaning to be willing to learn and grow in the Spirit.  Relative to working to overcome the natural man, what have you learned from your life?  I have learned to be patient and let God work in my life.  I had to get out of the driver’s seat and hand it over to Heavenly Father, to let him lead in guide me in the direction he wants me, for I was lost driving myself.

Individualism in Marriage: My Testimony of My Marriage and Divorce; Testimony of My Conversion

I will go into my conversion story to implement my views on marriage and why I believe the “third wolf about individualism” (Elder Bruce C. Hafen) is the destruction of today’s marriages. I had married my ex-husband in 2011. I thought he was it, he was the one. Third times the charm, right? Wrong! I had fallen into the same trap as the last two marriages. He was selfish, condescending, controlling, alcoholic, and an addict. We constantly fought because he was always calling me a name, like stupid, retarded, wicked, evil, and many more insulting names. After a while, I started to believe it. Any time I would try to stand up and defend myself, I would receive threats of violence against me. One day enough was enough, and I started testing him out on his threats and sure enough he was true on his words. He has slapped me, put me in choke holds, and put his hands around my neck on multiple occasions. I worked hard at trying to make this marriage work and even tried to do marriage counseling, but he only put forth minimum effort. He would only do the things he enjoyed doing. If it was something I enjoyed it wasn’t worth doing. Everything always had to be about him.
In March of 2015, I started working for a family with a special need’s son as his home health nurse. This family was not the family I have ever experienced seeing before. They actually talked to each other and not at each other. When it came to decisions, they always conferred to each other before making one. You could see the love in the home, and I felt something that I couldn’t describe at the time (The Holy Spirit). A couple of weeks went by and we had talked a little about religion for my patients’ father is a bishop. I learned this prior to meeting the family through the office of my job. When talking to the wife (the mother of my patient) she said they belonged to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was a bit ignorant at the time and was not aware of what that meant, I thought it was a Catholic church. Well, I obviously learned shortly that was not the case and that is what some refer to as Mormons or LDS. In part of the care I gave to this child, I went to church with him so I could keep up with him and feed him. Little did I know how much effect this was going to have on me.
I started asking questions about the church and soon I was talking to sister missionaries (younger and older). In June of 2015, the Holy Spirit came to me and verified the truth of the church and was baptized on the 4th of July. My husband at the time refused to come to my baptism. Claimed he had to get dinner prepared for my birthday (5th of July) that we were acknowledging that day. Now back up here just a minute. The Tuesday before my baptism, I had started having these abdominal pains. I had gone to the doctor but he said that I just had a UTI and put me on antibiotics. That Friday before, the bishop and his wife wanted to cancel my baptism because my pain was out of control. I was curled up on their couch at work most of the day because I couldn’t afford to take off work. I begged, “No, please I want to do this tomorrow. For I fear if I don’t it will not happen at all.” So, we stuck to our plans. Back to Saturday, the 4th of July, after the baptism; I get home eat dinner and go to bed because the pain is beyond bearable. As I am laying in bed, I hear a voice tell me, “If you don’t go to the ER now, you will not make it by morning.” I almost laid there and allowed myself to die. Then I thought to myself, “I cannot give up this easy, I have children to think about.” I had my husband take me to the ER and sure enough my appendix had ruptured. The doctored told me the next morning after my surgery if I had not come to the hospital when I did, I would not be alive right now. I had to wait two more weeks after my release from the hospital to be confirmed.
As time went by and I learned more about the gospel, I started to realize that I was important, I am a child of God, and that I was smart after all. I knew that I had some work to do in repairing myself. I started pathways. After my ex-husband nearly overdosed on drugs, I left and divorced him for I couldn’t any longer watch him kill himself nor take the abuse any longer. I continued to work on improving me by continuing my education, losing weight, and boosting my self-esteem by allowing myself to believe I am beautiful.
When a marriage is solely based on oneself, individual, marriage cannot work. Marriage is a team that requires two participants. Both have to give 100% in order to survive. Those who are not willing to contribute their 100% are possibly entering a contract rather than a covenant marriage. Thinking well if they don’t like it they can easily get divorced. Well from my experience this is not the route to take. I have learned that I must make wiser decisions when it comes to my personal growth and my relationships. I will implement the importance of keeping Heavenly Father first in my life. I will continue to implement education in my life whether through school or the gospel. I also will continue to work on my weight and my health for God requires us to what is healthy in our lives as well. I will be better prepared mentally when I meet my eternal companion and be the person that I expect him to be. Therefore, I will know that we are in a covenant marriage because we both will be working together to get past our differences and issues that may pop up from time to time.

Defender of Marriage

Democracy is a system we been using for some time now. While I have nothing against the gay’s choice of their lifestyle, I think it is wrong for the Supreme court to ignore how the majority of the people voted. They ignored what the American people wanted. As disciples of God, we must remember that we all are children of Heavenly Father. That no one should be overlooked over another. We also must remember that not everyone has been taught the true gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As we think of this, and the forgiveness that we have received from our own transgression, we too should forgive those who took this in their own hands to satisfy a certain group of people.
It was said in one of the videos for us to keep speaking up and pressing what we believe in. I know that as a church we must stand up for what is true. And the truth is that “Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children” (Family: Proclamation of the World). We also need to teach love. John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples if ye have love one to another.” We don’t need to battle out the truth with the world with hate and resentment. You cannot fight hate with hate, all that does is leave a bitter taste in our mouths. We need to fight hate with love. Love our neighbors who teach that marriage can be between gay and lesbian couples. Because that love is what is going to attract their attention to the truth. It will be up to them to accept, the truth, but they will never accept the truth if we are consistently telling them they are wrong and they are an abomination to the world. Think about how you feel when someone tells you are in a cult just because you belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Just because they say it doesn’t make it true. So, we need to keep in mind that just because we believe marriage is between a man and woman and know with all our heart that this is true, will not prove to them it’s true. They have to investigate themselves to seek that truth and through revelation is how they are going to receive that truth. But if we use hate to teach instead of love the Holy Spirit will not be there. And when we use love to teach, if they don’t get it then at least we planted the seed and we gained respect to be heard again for they see your love for them and not your hate.
When you have worked in nursing as long as I have, it is hard to watch those lose the ones they love. I worked in hospice 3 years of my nursing career. I saw some of the ordeals that were mentioned in the “Opinion of the Court,” “about the same-sex couple who partner died and he wasn’t recognized by the state as his spouse.” I couldn’t place a number on how many times I saw this scenario play out. I have seen many who were just as dedicated and some cases even more so, than a husband to a wife or a wife to a husband. And in the same manner, I have seen where they didn’t see any of the inheritance that their partner left for them because either the parents of the deceased or previous children of the deceased contested the will and saw to it he didn’t get anything. Or the taxes were so high on it, that it barely left them enough to pay for the funeral. Is this right? Is this a fair arrangement? I know life isn’t fair but it doesn’t have to be cruel. I know there are consequences for our actions whether it is good or bad, but don’t they deserve at least a portion of the inheritance. They are the ones who cared for their partner in the last days, as well as through their relationship. We wouldn’t stand there and let someone tell us that we had no right to any of our spouses’ possessions. I may not have all the answers but holding back and denying them certain rights doesn’t show that they are loved by God.
I am a defender of God, which in turn makes me a defender of marriage. With this being said, I do stand by the right that marriage is between a man and a woman. If they put it to a vote, I would vote against changing the meaning of marriage. I just wonder if there was someone that they could have been given what they wanted without changing the meaning a marriage, that also gave them the same rights as when a man and woman gets married. And again, this may not be an answer and be considered the same thing. If the vote was to allow gays and lesbians to get married, my vote would be against it just like the last time. But just because I voted against it doesn’t mean I have to be mean and cruel about it.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton